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Saturday, January 12, 2008

Baby Thoughts...

Just a musing that I had a while ago...

Baby Thoughts

By: Doreen Luff 12/1/2007

Babies are funny things. They are cute and cuddly. They are beautiful and wonderous. They can make almost anyone want them. But, then again they can make almost anyone not want them. Figuring that I would get married and have a baby, the question if I would have one or not never came up. The answer was already chosen for me. The answer was chosen for me by my family. I would have one. Not a doubt in their or my mind. So, how did the doubts come about? I got married. Plain and simple. I got married and the doubts crept in. My husband, whom I love more than anything, more than my life, asked me if I wanted to have a baby. I said “Yes, of course.”. Then he asked me the now dreaded question that I had never thought about. He asked me “Why?”. It was a one word question, but it was the most important and complicated question anyone had ever asked me. Why? I was stumped. Didn't have a clue how to answer that seemingly simple question. But, I tried to answer it. I wanted a baby, just because. Because they are cute, which didn't seem like the answer that was appropriate. I wanted a profound answer. I wanted the right answer. But, at that time I couldn't come up with one. I don't think that I still can. Yeah, they are cute, beautiful, and absolutely adorable. But, is that really an answer and a reason to have a baby. My husband and I would be terrific parents. Better than most in my humble opinion. But, is that a good enough reason to have a baby? Babies do not stay babies. They grow up. They walk, talk, and play. They learn, explore, and experiment. They talk back, yell, make their parents worry. As I recently almost found out they make you start worrying about them as soon as you find out that you are pregnant. The pregnancy test that I took was negative. But, for a time I thought that I was. I was worried, scared, and nervous. I drove to the nearest Rite-Aid fifteen minutes before they closed. Rushed in to bored cashiers and managers already closing the store for the night. I looked frantically for the tests, before finding them, duh, at the pharmacy. I purchased it and took it home. I took one that night. It only made me wait for ten minutes, but the one pink line appeared telling me that it was negative. I had a mix of relief, joy, and sadness. Did the relief and joy tell me that I didn't want a baby? Did the sadness suggest that I should? I didn't know. So, I've been thinking about it ever since. It's been a almost two weeks now and I still don't have a definitive answer. I hate that. I hate not having answer. My life has always been and probably will always be definitive. Every decision that I've made has always been yes or no. This is the only thing in my life that I have to ponder about. I truly truly hate that. I want a decision and I keep comping up with more questions. I can go either way on this issue. I can have a baby and I would be happy or I can keep my family at five. My husband, myself, and my cats, Diana, Luna, and Romeo. I would be happy with that decision as well. Does that mean that I should or shouldn't have a baby? Does that mean that I do or don't want a baby? Good questions both of them. I don't have answers to these questions. My husband doesn't make things easier. He keeps telling me that we should talk about it after I graduate and get a job. But, he is pretty sure that he doesn't want children. He's been saying that since I met him all those five years ago. I think that if he were truly serious about not having children, then we wouldn't be waiting. He or I would be going to get fixed. I said that I would, even brought home a brochure. But, he wants me to wait a year. Which puts doubts in my head as to if he's serious or not.